twenty seventeen

Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.

—Benjamin Franklin

I was never known as a man who has successfully and strictly follow structured goals and listed resolutions. Kaya siguro my past 30 years have been pretty much about estimates, shrugs, and winging it. Sometimes it’s cool. A lot of times, it’s not. And it sucked.

So how about a little change in approach this new year?

Nothing long and unrealistic, though. No. Actually I’m just gonna shorten my list to three points:

• Communication. Be straightforward. Be more expressive. Take photos everyday. Blog every fucking day. Say something wise and thoughtful as necessary. Be responsible to shut up when the situation calls for it. Say no when I have to.
• Consistency. Consistently continue what I have started – getting healthier (such cliché!), being on-time (yep, it has happened!), being more productive at work. Never being complacent. Never resorting to shortcuts.
• Commitment. Discipline. Sticking to a helpful routine. Discipline. Striving for a more assertive resolution instead of just meeting halfway. Discipline. Following a strict budget (ugh, more cliché!). Discipline. Committing to love myself more. Discipline. Sharing the love with someone deserving. Fucking discipline.

I’ll be sure to look back to this page next year and see how I fared.

For now, I stink because I just got home from a run (cliché materialized).

Happy 2017, y’all!

Me out.

[youronlychoi]

statistical anomaly

No Tomorrow

Bukas na ulit pramis

not blind

“You said that I changed, and maybe I did. But even if I changed, what’s wrong with that?’#InTheMix pic.twitter.com/gHXht9Sljw

— Leighton Mr Robot (@leightonmrrobot) August 18, 2016

Easily my most favorite Third Eye Blind lyrics.

Their concert, also the first international act I’ve seen (minus the Boyce Avenue mall tour, ano ba) was also one of the highlights of this year.

Being a pleaser by default has started to take its toll on me. The instinct to want to be liked by everyone proved to be unhealthy.

That was one of the first things I have to change. I’m still working on it. I’m not being completely dismissive of other’s opinions, but this time around, there’s no bending backwards to meet standards.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

#30in30

evolution cho-ry

So far, only Spongebob was on-point.

I’m just gonna leave this here.

Go, barf.

#30in30

time first

Ayawan na. Ayoko na. Time first.

— Leighton Mr Robot (@leightonmrrobot) October 7, 2016

I wanted to quit until I didn’t want to quit.

#30in30

half-baked

No truer words, Agent Cabe Gallo.

And that’s why I’m telling you this:
You’re not fully formed yet. You’re almost there but you’re half-baked.

I didn’t realize this season’s super-sized Scorpion premiere will hit me hard.

This show is nerd-gasmic and action-packed. But in the two seasons, it has shown how tough it is to crack emotional shells, if there is such thing, for geniuses who are clearly more intellectual than emotional.

At one point in my life, particularly when I’m younger and new to the concept of relationships, I’m guilty of defying logic, even consciously at times, for that fucking thing called love. Now you see I resent it.

Nah, hindi naman. But you see, cliché are clichés for a reason, it’s because they happen all the time. And it is a damn cliché, but experience is gonna tell you that while you it’s best to follow your heart, you should never lose of your senses, too.

Recently, I have chosen to correct that mistake by self-reparation. I know for a fact that I’m not at my best shape right now (physically, lol, but also emotionally) to commit in a relationship. There were times when I had a few lapses, thinking that maybe it’s time for me to give it another shot. In the end, I choose not to go for it.

Taking from the wise words from Cabe (Patrick), I am half-baked. Not because I’m a genius who had no emotions — exactly the opposite. I’ve been emotional, complacent, and lazy, and it ruined a lot of things for me on the relationships department. Now, I’m trying to repair what I ruined, and I start with myself.

I’m not ready yet. And the responsible thing to do, while I’m not ready yet, is to steer clear of the dating zone. Kung hindi naman ako bibili, siguro iiwas muna ako sa market. Kung hindi naman ako gutom, iiwas muna ako sa buffet.

Same time next year, who knows. I may be loving myself a little more, or a little too much I’m spilling it over to someone else.

Until then.

#30in30

Scorpion
CBS 
Cast: Elyes Gabel, Katharine McPhee, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Jadyn Wong, Ari Stidham, Robert Patrick, Riley B. Smith
Executive Producers: Danielle Woodrow, Danny Rose, Scooter Braun, Walter O’Brien, Heather Kadin, Justin Lin, Nicholas Wootton, Nick Santora, Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci, David Foster

judge dread

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Well here are 30 things:

1. Dance
2. Play basketball
3. Walk shirtless at the beach
4. Kiss someone in public
5. Be a bit physical in public
6. Go back for more buffet plates
7. Do pull-ups
8. Hoard paper towels
9. Buy a lot of colored pens
10. Audition for a play
11. Try-out for a reality show
12. Do spoken word poetry
13. Rap, Hamilton style
14. Play soccer
15. Play volleyball
16. Sing on open mic night
17. Shoplift
18. Wear a dress, just for fun
19. Do yoga
20. MMA
21. Interview a politician
22. Write an article about said politician
23. Interview a celebrity
24. Write an article about said celebrity
25. Do a radio show segment or podcast
26. Join a musical chorus or company
27. Do old-school Pinoy karoling
28. Wall-climb
29. Boxing
30. Propose

#30in30

thirty – thirty

Don’t confront me with my failures. I have not forgotten them.

I’m turning 30 in 30 days.

Kaya naman hindi ako pwedeng hindi mag-inarte.

The next 30 days will be filled with blog posts to look back, look now, and look forward.

And today’s #TuesdayTracks feature mainly speaks about what this year has meant for me, generally.

Have you heard or have been told about standing up for your decisions and facing the consequences?

This year has been a conscious effort to do exactly that.

Wala yatang araw ngayong taon na di ko sinabi sa sarili ko na “ginusto mo naman yan di ba?”

I ask it not because of regret, or bitterness. I ask it to remind myself why I’m in this exact spot in my life. I’m not sad, but I’m not exactly happy. I’m not contented, but I’m not exactly longing. This feeling of balanced indifference sometimes render me numb. I have learned to live the notions. And if I won’t be asking myself that question I won’t be reminded to breathe, at least smile, and tell myself that I have an endgame.

This year has been about awareness — the things I did wrong, the ones I luckily did right, and the ones I know for a fact I know nothing about. It’s a very slow year for me. It felt like a numbing simmer.

But these decisions, these mistakes, even the uncertainties, all make for a desirable end-result.

Ginusto ko nga naman.

Even the juiciest pot roast takes time.

And yes, this post ends here because gutom. Babay!

peachy love

Happy birthday, sweetie. At least one of us is married, yes?

If I ever remember your birthday, it could be of three things: (1) you’re family, (2) you’re a friend, or (3) I spent grade school and high school with you for a huge chunk of my life and it stuck in my head.

For this lady, though, it’s a bit special. We were classmates since fourth grade. I had a huge crush on her even before I hit puberty. For half of my high school years, my idea of love revolved around her.

I’d be cautious, though, to call her my first love. But I did feel strongly about her. I’ll hang out with her crowd when I can. I’d do assignments for her. I think of her when I hear love songs. Heck, I’ll listen to Westlife for her. I’d get anxiety attacks of what I would say is jealousy, when other guys talk to her.

I’d be cautious to call her my first love for a lot of reasons. For one, my concept of love stems straight out of a simple crush. My concept of love is mainly what I see on TV. My concept of love revolves around her, but not so much about me. My concept of love is incomplete, and I’m self-aware of that.

In between summers and school years I stopped pursuing her. Looking back, I didn’t really think I did. I my have lacked declaration, passion, ownership. We’re in the same class and we were casual and we got to hang out, but there’s nothing cheesy or sensual or magnetic anymore.

Happy birthday, Peach. You’ve got an adorable family of your own now. I would’ve said you’re the cutest accountant/accounting person I’ve known, but given my life choices now I know that’s not true.

If anything, thanks for making a young boy feel. It’s a jump-start to a great feeling that, years later, I would still have no idea about.

I hope you got what you wished for on your birthday. I hope you get to spend many more.

True love looks good on you. At least, isa sa atin alam na what love really is about.

I guess, for now, that’s good enough.

one wish

At the end of the day, Lord I pray,
I have a life that’s good.